I think, Chuck, what she meant was that no one is forcing these men to impregnate strangers. And as far as that man saying that he wants nothing to do with the woman or THE BABY shame on him. April 9, 2012, 1:23 pm. SpaceySteph I agree Savannah. Now, again, I dont see why it is so hard to let him go, and why you cant move on. She says she thinks shed like to keep it. But the issue is when he decided not to pull out but bust a load into a strangerhe took on that risk of possibily having the responsibility to pay for a kid for the next 18 years. Nice try. Theyre both opposed to abortion but theyre being safe, right? One of the draw backs of only knowing someone for a short period of time. Women dont have to choose between the two both are within their purview. Child support is nice, but a father it does not make. And how can you be mad at the woman? They arent bad people because of it. I dont see why this issue is any different. By having sex you are saying that the woman might get pregnant and you are willing to deal with it if that is the case. You say it takes two to make a baby but somehow its only the man that gets labeled an irresponsible dick. So, if MEN can be compelled to support children after rape, you must also support the idea that WOMEN can be compelled to support that child in the womb after THEY get raped. I mean every word! The letter writers bf is furious at the woman having his child. A scumbag? female I am no worse for never knowing my biological father, who paid child support, and being raised alone by my mother. Notwithstanding the fact that birth control sometimes fails, hes signing up for sex, not fatherhood. But simply disagreeing with others does NOT fit the definition of a troll, not by a long shot. But let me make a few suggestions Steve. I cant help but think just as she has a choice to abort, keep or put up for adoption, he too has a choice and while not admirable, it may be for the best. And if by some chance she does get pregnant itll be difficult but theyre going to get married someday anyway so theyll just start their family earlier than planned. Shall I and all the other taxpayers? Everyone in this situation sounds like they belong on Jerry Springer. That is pretty much it. Im currently going through a rough breakup with my partner of nearly 9 years, and if this happened to me two months from now I would be having angry, irrational emotions too. Does he think hes too old to be a dad? Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. So, it's up the guy to put the idea out there of getting back together and proving to his ex that it's worth a shot. And why do you think shes trying to trap him? Like I said, step back and evaluate this situation as if you were an outsider. My mother taught me better than that. He should have taken more precautions. My boyfriend and I split up for two months. For the woman to turn around after the fact and say, Whups, knocked up! Quit acting like hes so hard done by by this woman and tell him to get some responsibility. Either_Coconut 3 mo. ! April 10, 2012, 7:23 pm. April 10, 2012, 7:15 pm. The family structure is dynamic and without balance, falls apart. The decision to have sex is not a decision to have a child, but it always carries that risk. Ill have mine draw up the paperwork for licensing fees. lets_be_honest Has she tried to convince him to come back to her? Problem. If a woman gets pregnant from a quick, meaningless relationship and tells the father that shes expecting, and the father wants desperately to keep the baby, what do we call the woman who aborts the child anyways? The crazies on both sides just come crawling out of the woodwork. You see being nurturing as a weakness. She provided the other half of the set, the construction site, the construction materials, she built the child. lol. Everyone seems to assume he didnt use a condom, but nothing in the letter says that. Men get a say in abortions? silver_dragon_girl And do some growing up before you get involved with someone else. Aside from social media stalking, many ex-couples continue to actually communicatetrying to stay friends. It seems they are in a good place now, but I checked my mans texts and she still flirts with him and tries to get him back. April 9, 2012, 4:51 pm. My boyfriend broke up with me when I was 10 weeks pregnant. He has a requirement to the mother of his child as well. She might not have been on the Pill, but that was a risk that he chose to take by having sex with someone he knew for two minutes without a condom. They came first. I think whatever scorn youre heaping onto this woman you should deal evenly to your boyfriend. What a door mat you are! April 10, 2012, 6:32 pm. He has been torn up by the pain he has caused me. lets_be_honest If you are sure to always love, support, and listen to your child, he/she will be just fine! No it isnt. And the world goes round. Because she accidentally got pregnant with his child? I get from the tone of your letter that you are bitter. I mean sure I can relate to the horrible emotions one gets about thinking that their guys (even if hes an ex at this point!) I agree with the magically thing. I mean for fuck sake? Deal with it, ladies. -Is furious with her for keeping her baby Fuck yes, he shouldnt have a choice in that. Kind of sounds like it was written by an extremely immature middle aged woman. LW, take a step back and think about what you would tell one of your girlfriends in a similar situation. Is he supposed to lie and say shes a wonderful person, if she isnt? But women and children, in the context of child custody and support systems, end up in extremely unfortunate and unfair situations far more often. Again, this was the perfect time to walk away, and end it with him. Oh yeah, because plenty of men already have no problem abandoning AND not paying. Marriages (or partnerships) are not secondary to parent-children relationships; nor are they primary. Its the second set of support owed to the child we are talking about. We learned that in middle school. That is how we got our first kid. He does have a responsibility towards this baby, whether he likes it or not. He says he cant stand her? -Got her pregnant At conception there is a zygote, then an embryo and then a fetus. Its because of biology, and a legal system that puts the interests of the child above the interests of the parent. Chuck(le) They are all pointing out that the bf is equally responsible for the childs existence and should respect her right to choose.Not only that but they advise the LW to consider her bf role in this drama and not take her anger out on the pregnant woman (who owes her nothing), John Rohan But, in reality it takes two to have sexual intercourse and two people to make a baby. Oh, good lord. When you break up, you get the rare opportunity to see your ex's true nature at the worst of times. Admirable restraint indeed. So, to be clear, every woman who has had an abortion is, in your mind, an immature asshole. Will he react the same? April 10, 2012, 2:42 pm. April 9, 2012, 2:45 pm. April 10, 2012, 10:34 am. Makes me wonder if youre happily married like I am, or just a bitter divorcee who clings to feminism and man-hating as a knee jerk reaction of having been wronged. Its not yours to deal with. I was a completely amicable situation and hes had no issue with this arrangement and its been many years. Really? I asked him why and never got a response back, ever. Regardless of whether or not he wants to stay with this women he impregnanted, do NOT stay with him yourself! female 2. I know you have to keep the possibility in the back of your mind, but youve really been ready and willing for motherhood every time youve decided to sleep with someone? Dont be so quick to assume every dude who makes an observation about a real phenomenon is some embittered douche full of vitriol; you may learn something in the process. And honestly, if my boyfriend told me he wants nothing to do with his own child. Im also a longtime lurker who was a little taken aback by all the vitriol aimed at this mans head. Whether that be by having the child, supporting the child, adoption, abortion, whatever. Steve Kellmeyer Is that pretty much it? Move on already, LW. That is called deception. April 9, 2012, 3:49 pm. The entire point of my post(s) is that the paternity laws in this country (which is a central consideration of the letter and the story) are out of whack and unbalanced to the point of being unfairly punitive to men. You are talking as if a decision to terminate a pregnancy is as easy as taking out the garbage, as if there are no consequences to it whatsoever. I could understand that he would be shocked and unhappy, but who does that? Again, no. Its not a crime to have unprotected sex, dangerous and irresponsible, but not a crime. By that logic, virtually every dude on the planet is an idiot. I think its more like HIV sufferers are more likely to be honest about how they got it because there isnt a societal blind eye for bullshitting about your personal responsibility for ending up in the predicament. iseeshiny I think that is fair. By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. It is my argument that only an ass would be furious at anyone other than himself when he becomes obligated to provide for a child that he created. bittergaymark Idiots like the guy in the letter, dont. You add nothing to the conversation but name-calling. And I do commend him for providing financial support. If you choose to live in an area known to be frequented by storks then you have no one but yourself to blame if you become a parent. You brought up the issue of trust and wanting to build trust. If you are so against men having to pay for a child they dont want that was nonetheless created by their penis couldnt you make this issue a hell of a lot easier by just telling your male friends to wrap it up? Not only to prevent babies but to protect yourself from STDs. Males pay a surrogate to carry the tissue blob, or lesbians can carry the tissue blob themselves. This is so hard for me. I came back to re-read because I was worried my reply would be disjointed and confusing (I wrote it tired last night, with a fever), so Im glad that while its not going to win any literary award, it wasnt totally nonsensical! I just want her to know so that she won't expect anything like my boyfriend marrying him. MOA, ASAP. These people are the REAL zombies.. landygirl When you split up with someone, you SPLIT UP. She refused to listen. Niven and Pournelle, Lucifers Hammer]. Theyre eating each other alive, and theyre doing it up hill both ways, in three feet of snow, with no shoes on! Terms of Use and Privacy Policy. oy. I have tried to encourage him to stay with this woman soley because of this pregnancy, but he wants me and wants to marry me as he said all along, and he is furious with this woman for keeping the baby after only knowing each other two minutes. Seriously, that is your interpretation of the male thought process? Or shes against abortion. So go control them all you please. But just my guess. You may love and care for this man and attack the other women all day long, but at the end of the day, you do not have a relationship and nothing has changed. After 2 months, I initiated for a comeback. Then, fine; but you need to consider the possibility of having to deal with this malarkey for the rest of the time you and your boyfriend are together. By this point I had already invested so much in the relationship that I wanted it to work regardless, but no matter how much I tried he didnt want to immediately get back together. The law does, because once the child is here, through no fault of its own, it needs to be supported in order to have a successful life and successful children are in the best interest of all of society. If youre going to have casual sex, there are some things you can leave to the goodwill of others and some where youve gotta be a little bit proactive. How about if I choose to opt out of THAT? depressed, got back together, money. He told me he will obviously be paying for it but wants nothing to do with her OR the baby. You have to be mature and know what is best for you. His utter failure to own up to his actions is appalling. April 9, 2012, 12:31 pm. evanscr05 The last time I checked it took more than one person to make a baby. . And as a grown adult; as a person whos lived 40 years and should have acquired a sense of decency and maturity; you should own up to the consequences of your actions. His ex had gone through a lot of internal as well as external strugglesand became stronger and wiser. Any woman who cant see the pleasure in such a sacrifice is too selfish to be in a relationship. Please. reader, haley 22+, writes (22 June 2008): A Itll take work and patience, but he CAN be a father to the baby, and a partner to you.. Im not advocating for it, just describing whats been proposed elsewhere. and our Why? Then how does the woman get off require the man to do it? Any 40 year old man thats in the habit of jumping into bed with a woman who claims shes on BC after knowing her for 2 min is so dirty, Id be afraid to touch him much less get back in a relationship with him. So society got together and decided that the biological parents owe a duty of monetary support to children the create. I am pro-choice, for both woman and for men. Also, it delights me that you base your assumptions on general human behavior on the Jerry Springer Show. Even if she was on birth control. She looked enough to bang, though, huh? make sure you use back up protection! Flexxie And if so, Im ready. Does this mean, then, that you advocate that every woman who ever gets pregnant must (a) have the child and (b) stay with the father, lest she be scum? Absolutely, positively, 100% wrong. He sounds like bad news. lets_be_honest April 9, 2012, 9:55 am. His? SpaceySteph She has every right to be shocked and upset about the turn of the events, but the way she is reacting; blaming everything on the woman, judging her, calling HER names, is wrong and she comes off as an immature, witchy teenager. And now onto you, ummmm you say he cant bare to be without you and never loved anyone as much as he loves you.well his actions sure say otherwise. Well, its possible that he didnt know her at all, but then after coitus he began to get to know her and things went downhill from there. At least with adopted children, they usually have one or two great parents who can explain, in a way that doesnt hurt them or damage their self-worth, why they were put up for adoption. guys..youre not gonna get anywhere with this one. A month after the abortion, while I waited for my luggage at the baggage claim, three babies surrounded me, all under a year. Im not sure. He gets a girl pregnant and then tells her to get rid of it because its an inconvenience for him to have to deal with it? If a guy wants absolutely to avoid becoming a father, he is responsible for using additional BC or not having sex with women if he doesnt know what their stance on unintended pregnancy would be. But, they both had lawyers. Be responsible for your own bodies and your own choices. Both of their attitudes kind of suck. so its a little early to judge. The fact that the courts have found that men should be obligated to support mistakes is motivated by a desire to secure the welfare of the child. Also, it implies that using a condom prevents pregnancy. BUT. I mean, I know guys are suppose to stick up for guys, but come on.. Fine, Ill support you in raising the child, but Im not prepared to be a dad. Yes, it is the less than desirable course to take but he is, in a way, owning up to his responsibility (monetarily). Yes, he had unprotected sex. According to pro-choice rhetoric, this man has NOTHING to do with the existence of the child. 6napkinburger And the LW is making it seem as if her poor bf did nothing. And it will need a mother and a father. April 10, 2012, 4:51 pm. Thats all I can really offer. The only one who we know is expecting him to be a father is the letter writer. Or could CG be right, and this is all a hoax? Just as the guy needs to respect the ladys decision to keep it. Because last I checked, saying dramatic things like we cant bear to live without each other was reserved for 16-year-old fans of poorly-written vampire romances. 12, 14, and 16 year old girls are statutorily raped, too, and their rapists? Because the one who is raising the kid is obviously already supporting it. Both of those things cant be true, LW. Part of the reason I feel no one should be forced to be a parent is that those who are forced to be parents often cause the most lasting damage to the children. Its very comforting to hear and I hope to do as good of a job as your mother did. By the way, there was no implication that it makes it easy for the woman to get child support. Im really astounded that you would say something so flippant like women can get support for 20+ years, as if its nothing! Dee S. Advocate If you dont like someone (as a fellow human being), dont have sex with them. It was one of those comments that deserved the opportunity to be liked twice anyway. Im quite late to the discussion, but I took a lot of time reading over the comments, trying to make sense of the two sides of the argument at hand. she may well not be at all thrilled to be pregnant and not expecting anything from this guy. Maybe because she wants something to love. landygirl Do you know how much day care alone is a month? So, if MEN can be compelled to support children after rape, you must also support the idea that WOMEN can be compelled to support that child in the womb after THEY get raped. I would also ask him to get an STD test because he had unprotected sex. I will chalk you up as being an internet hairpuller. Eggzactlee, though I dont burn effigies as we have Spare the Air days in CA. He does have the right to change his mind about how involved hed like to be. He knew it but was willing to take that risk just like any man does when they engage in sex with a woman. It means he or she will know their father, in a sense, and will also have the opportunity to believe that their father just simply didnt want to have anything to do with them. Because she does not have the right to waive support for the child. bittergaymark Its that theyre more likely to be honest about not wearing them when something bad results. If the woman doesnt want the child, she has that option. LOL. My inclination would be to run away from this guy as fast as you can. Just 10 seconds in the slipstream at 175 mph.. Chuck Pelto Ever look at the clock in your car to check the time while driving (or the radio to change channels, or a billboard)? Stop going backwards. She isnt a woman he wants to be with his entire life. If you loved him, you wouldn't toss the relationship. I disagreed with a lot of your comments but I still enjoyed them. I must be in the minority because oral sex is a regular part of sex btw my husband and I and Id definitely miss it if it wasnt. That is really fucked up. I don't know my place anymore because he doesn't want to tell her we're back together. 1970 Mustang Mach I "Synergy Green Pearl"351 Cleveland - Fuel Injection "The Rattle Shaker" Complete nut and bolt rotisserie restoration LESS than 500 miles by C.A.R.S. At the time, he said he would wait years for me - until he could be with me. I dont think the actual equality is as you think it is, but even if I agree that it is, it has nothing to do with what happens early on in a pregnancy. You are arguing for NO abortion in cases of rape.. female Thank God for the real men. He has an obligation to use condoms until he is in a committed relationship to prevent unwanted pregnancy and to prevent HIMSELF from contracting an STD (and thus spreading it around). If a woman wanted to choose to terminate the child, would she be less of a real woman for not stepping up to the responsibility? 8 Red Flags that Her Pregnancy is a Trap. Scan this QR code to download the app now. It belongs to the child and the law is concerned with ensuring the best interests of the child above all else. having sex with someone you dont know that well. Hes scum all around in my book. He sounds self-entitled, immature, arrogant, an all around horrible person. 8. lets_be_honest As others have said, she could have been on the pill and he could have used a condom and she still could have gotten pregnant. Since you obviously cant formulate a cogent argument on the merit of these laws in response to my questions (as it doesnt interest you), I wonder why you keep going out of your way to engage this conversation.

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