She was very much disturbed and afraid of losing her husband. Mrs. Abdullah also told though they have minor disputes among co-wives still they help each other. International Journal of Law, Policy and the Family. I know in some families the children of the first wife have some sort of higher status, but this is my home and I dont want to raise my children like that, Thamsanqa says. Also, if your husband has financial problems, he had no right to marry you in the first place. Being a second wife and a stepmother is rather like learning to perfect a set of aerial maneuvers. Unhappiness and loneliness: Mrs. Gulzar was unhappy about a lot of things in the marriage. She met Mr. Kamran 6 years back and married her after falling in love. One of the misconceptions about being someone's second wife is that you'll have no choice but to have a low-key courthouse wedding with minimal fanfare, and that the ghosts of weddings past will linger. The purpose of this study is to investigate married womens experiences in polygamous marriages and their ways of coping to accept this relationship. Formal permission was taken from the institution for data collection. She said, 2nd wife of my husband also helps me in daily households activities. Practicing polygamy as a legal permanent resident can lead to deportation, as can a criminal conviction for bigamy. Even if children are more or less accepting, the ex more than likely wont be ok with the new person in their childs life. In all the other cases of infertility, family pressure was the main factor despite childlessness (Table 1). She said, "Emotions change with priorities". Policy-makers should be made aware of the implications of polygamous marriages on womens health and well-being. But here I am, married to a man who was married before. Mrs. Imam, Mrs. Ahmad, Mrs. Kamran, and Miss Nadia also admitted co-wives relationship and compromised with this relationship (Table 3). A sample of 11 polygamous women was included through snowball sampling from the different cities of the province of Punjab, Pakistan with an age range of 18-50 years. His first marriage counted. You didnt grow up thinking; I cant wait until I meet a divorced man! My first marriage--even though it lasted five years--did not. A few years ago, her mother was killed in a car accident. King MT. Even though there can be many advantages of being a second wife, you might feel inadequate when filling the spaces left behind by the ex-wife and kids. Shed dropped out of school to help her sick grandmother, Nomqondiso, when Thamsanqa asked her for her hand in marriage. She also stated that "whenever I am depressed, I am used to saying my prayers and get relief because divorce is not an option for me." It is an option. Seven women were single before marriage, while two were divorced and two were widowed. Being a parent is hard enough; in reality, being a stepparent is out of this world hard. The Journal of Social Psychology. Conclusion: Polygamous women though claimed that polygamy has disadvantages but to them, divorce is not an option. This prompted one Javed to petition the Supreme Court that since Muslim. She said that she convinced her husband for 2nd marriage because of her illness. She said that time was very painful for me and my little daughters. Why is it higher the second time around? She always imposes a fine of 5,000 Malaysian ringgit (around $1,700) and six strikes of a cane. Polyandry is a specific term used to describe marriages between one wife and at least two husbands. Journal of Family Studies. 2008; 42(2), 103-117. Rachael Pace is a noted relationship writer associated with Marriage.com. It can be a challenge if wounds from old relationships arent quite healed. These themes were generated from the co-wives experiences. Understand that he couldve cheated, but rather chose something that is common in African culture. Thamsanqa says its important to make sure you really want another wife, and to thoroughly analyse your reasons. Since this is nobody's tremulous, maiden love affair, get ready to handle some emotional baggage as a second wife. Cecilia says her husband married a second wife purely for his own physical desires and greed. Mrs. Kamran was the 2nd wife, working in a hospital. Current findings are in line in terms of infertile women who accepted co-wives rather than divorce but those having children never bother to admit or respect co-wives as one of female told she is living in a separate home. The reverse is probably true, too: When women are taken from the marriage market, men suffer. I knew society is very cruel and it would be very tough for me to bring up them without father." Theyre all equal and these two women are their mothers equally. Problematic: Polygamy can be problematic from a legal and religious way. It was an arranged marriage. Illiteracy, being a wife of a husband with three and more other wives, current history of depression, intimate partner violence, and poor social support were significantly associated with suicidal . Rossi P. Strategic choices in polygamous households: Theory and evidence from Senegal. It is still bound to have some of the same relationship issues that we all face from time to time. At that time her 3rd husband supported her emotionally and financially. Community awareness of the effects of polygamy on women through media campaigns is a beginning step. I defended my mother and my dad just watched everything unfold. After three years of this, Eva decided to file for divorce but her husband, Evelyn says, is still trying to milk her for all her money. It protects the families from contracting sexually transmitted diseases and possible deviation to an illegal sexual association [3]. He was a handsome 25-year-old who worked as a miner, and when he asked her gogo if he could marry Lillian, Nomqondiso agreed. She almost lost her life I couldnt bear the thought of losing her. He kisses the back of Lillians hand as he talks. It just means that being a second wife comes with a lot of challenges along the way. She stated, When I allowed my husband to marry a second wife, then God blessed me to have a child (translated from Urdu to English). Rachael enjoys studying the evolution of loving partnerships and is passionate about writing on them. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC, Psychology and the Mystery of the "Poisoned" Schoolgirls. In this case, I would prefer to keep my marriage to make sure my children have a bright future," she . Shes a nurse, not one of those rude ones, and she was kind and very helpful. You constantly feel that your partner knowingly or unknowingly puts his previous family before you and your needs. He may be wounded and certain things may trigger an emotional response, such as . Evelyn shrugs and says women should always know their rights and not be afraid to fight for them. Dont be too quick to bash him, Lillian advises other women in her position. 'I've been a second wife for a year and a half. composed of two imperfect people. Polygamy | Becoming A Second Wife | Accepting Other Wives 13,077 views May 15, 2020 154 Dislike Share Diaspora Ukhti 3.66K subscribers This is a survey only! Female infanticide and killing women for giving birth to a baby girl a case study of Pakistan inproceedings of socioint14-international conference on social sciences and humanities. She should approach him first and address the issue, Maphalala suggests. While in past empirical tests showed that children are strategic complements. First theme: reasons of polygamy as findings indicated that majority of females allowed their husbands for co-wives due to infertility or having only female children, husbands love marriage, and in-laws family pressure because they wanted to secure their marriage instead of divorce. Unless of great importance or a family-related event, we rarely attended the same social event together with our husband.. It is still bound to have some of the same relationship issues that we all face from time to time. Somehow, you probably have always pictured someone who has never been married. Both verbal and written consent was obtained. The disadvantage of being a second wife Sense of insecurity The second wife will face insecurity toward her husband which will take her in a severe sense of doubts and auspiciousness. To seek the coping strategies to accept the new relationship by co-wives. I didnt really get it, but my parents are big on communication in a weeks time I was on board. Thembi says she knows people often question polygamous marriages but shes adamant that sometimes the women gain a lot more than the men. Mrs. Ahmad being 2nd wife told that after second marriage "I and my co-wife did not get along; our children also did not get along, and there was constant bickering between us. She stated I prefer not to attend the same social function or activity with my rival (co-wife). All are located in new apartment buildings in good neighborhoods; their total value is about $5 million. Tabi MM, Doster C, Cheney T. A qualitative study of women in polygynous marriages. 4. She was living with her in-laws and never allowed her husband to live with his second wife in the same household. Mediterranean Journal of Social Sciences. polyandry, marriage of a woman to two or more men at the same time; the term derives from the Greek polys, "many," and anr, andros, "man." When the husbands in a polyandrous marriage are brothers or are said to be brothers, the institution is called adelphic, or fraternal, polyandry. The surprise is this: when the moment comes, the man jumps with alacrity. Mrs. Mustafa though convinced her husband of second marriage but she said I was very much distressed and lonely after the 2nd marriage of my husband. Holloway ID, Ansari D. Mapping numerical magnitudes onto symbols: The numerical distance effect and individual differences in childrens mathematics achievement. CNN . In Pakistani culture, infertility can be one of the reasons but exploring other factors like love marriage and family pressure, and religious reference are also common factors. They must be educated through different seminars and programs to cope with the stress and manage other consequences of polygamy. Evelyn*, 32, tells DRUM her mother's experience was awful. Christmas and having the whole family there together. She had a male child during the interview. He enters willingly, eyes open, arms spread--he's the emotional version of a skydiver. Accepting being a second wife can be challenging for those who are considering polygamy. mortality is outrageously high and t Mrs. Tanveer (first wife) has accepted the co-wife relationship because to her religion has allowed the man for multiple wives. She was a nurse and divorce. Reviewed by Lybi Ma. As Mrs. Amir told the researcher, in the beginning, she got more privilege than the first but as time was passed and she did not conceive there was a time when she was completely ignored by in-laws and later from her husband. All of that financial mess can translate into a financially difficult second marriage. Limited-Time Deal on Marriage Course. Couples Therapy: Whats the Difference? She told that My in-laws had not good relationships with the first wife of my husband. But when a man marries for the second time he knows what he's getting into. Al-Krenawi A, Graham JR, Ben-Shimol-Jacobsen S. Attitudes toward and reasons for polygamy differentiated by gender and age among Bedouin-Arabs of the Negev. You find yourself constantly comparing yourself with his ex-wife. She tried her best to convince her husband not to get married to another woman but she was not succeeded. But then came Thamsanqas shattering statement. The two new wives bullied my mother and called her names. Thats irresponsible. Evelyn, who has a four-year-old son, now works as a waitress to help her mother with the legal fees for her divorce. She believes that everyone should make room for love in their lives and encourages couples to work on overcoming their challenges together. I would also like to add that polygamy is not a staple in Islamic culture, nor is it a tradition. Crookston EM. To evaluate the outcomes of the relationship between co-wives. Im in computer programming, which should tell you how much I love interacting with people, he says with a laugh. If that doesnt help, she can then approach his elders and explain exactly what it is thats happening and how shed like them to help. She said, "I used to take care of my child and co-wife's as well". In 1994, the Haryana Panchayati Raj Act disallowed people with more than two children from contesting local elections. But thats not how it works out for everyone. His actions went against the traditional practice of asking for her permission and mediating until a solution is found, but legally he was within his rights. Mrs. Kamal reported "in the beginning when I thought about the second wife, I engaged myself in different activities because it always hurt me." Now she was not ready for 3rd. I'm seven months pregnant. Both babies were through cesarean. In Muslim families the textual basis is provided by the Holy Quran for the practice of polygamy: "Marry women of your choice two, or three, or four, but if ye fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly (with them) then only one". Rahmanian P, Munawar K, Mukhtar F, Choudhry FR. The study findings may be inconsistent with the previous one except for the religious factor due to cultural differences. 1.Why your spouse (husband) preferred 2nd or 3rd marriage? 70% of those second marriages end in divorce. Table 1: Frequency of co-wives for infertility, only female children, love marriage and family pressure as reasons of polygamous marriages (n=11). Its not a series of glittering evenings drinking martinis in smoky bars. They adhere to the rules that all three of us set for them, like normal children. Zakhele walks in with his youngest brother, Thembekile*, 2, in his arms. Current Psychology. Mrs. Arslan told that she was shocked when she came to know about her husband's affair. So why is the phrase second wife so unnerving? It means if your husband is a citizen or green card holder, he. Polygamous women though claimed that polygamy has disadvantages but to them, divorce is not an option. She said "After it, my husband was not trustworthy for me anymore. Family Process. However later on she has also accepted co-wife because of infertility and destiny. Also watch: A guide for second wives to create a happy blended family. Data collection was not collected scientific way because of qualitative study and the findings cannot be generalized beyond the women in this study [24,25]. In the current study, co-wives reported several negative consequences of polygamy such as jealousy, lack of trust, unhappiness, loneliness, unequal financial division, and social privileges among the multiple wives those are consistent with previous studies conducted in UAE, Kuwait, Egypt, Jordan, the Gaza Strip, Arabs in Israel, Palestine, and Turkey which point out that the wives in polygamous marriages have reportedly more psychosocial, familial and economic problems compared to their counterparts from monogamous families [16-20]. Your spouse may still have lingering feelings associated with the former marriage, including guilt, shame, regret, anger, sadness, or many others. ASEAN Journal of Psychiatry peer review process verified at publons. However, it is possible that a person is confronted with circumstances whereby he is unable to uphold his righteousness and purity, whilst maintaining relations with a sole lady, who happens to undergo periods of menstruation, pregnancy, delivery, suckling, and other forms of ailments, etc. 3.What were the coping strategies which you used to accept the co-wives relationship? The sharia, Islamic family laws, and international human rights law: Examining the theory and practice of polygamy and talaq. That tends to bring with it even more debt and insecurities. He might marry a second wife before his divorce is complete, for example. The majority of Muslims have accepted official polygamy. She was the first wife of her husband and it was a happy arranged marriage. She told, "I used to cry in isolation". She provides inspiration, support, and empowerment in the form of motivational articles and essays. It could have been the man's problem too. The women of polygamous families shared their lived experiences of polygamy. A lady was working in front of her husbands' clinic and usually visited the clinic. There was a higher prevalence of somatization, depression, anxiety, hostility, paranoid ideation, psychoticism, general symptom severity, positive symptoms total, and psychiatric disorder, as well as lower ratings of life and marital satisfaction, family functioning, and self-esteem among polygamous wives [ 12 ]. So, I was second selection of my in-laws." Thus, two things relating to marriage have affected the overall percentage of the population who find polygamy acceptable: more unmarried people in the population, and the fact that these. As some statistics have it, we are one in every four married women you will meet. Jankowiak W, Sudakov M, Wilreker BC. International Journal of Social Psychiatry. Because polygamy is typically condoned only in specific regions, it may be difficult to meet other willing participants to enter a polygamous union. That kind of baggage can be detrimental to a second marriage and undermine any benefits of being the second wife. Over breakfast her husband told her something that would make any woman choke on her toast: he wanted to take a second wife. 2006; 45(3): 311330. Consent i s the keyword. Lower risk that people get bored in a marriage. Brigham Young and His Wives. I don't care about the feelings of his first wife, his first . 2006; 35(1), 46-61. I told her that if it was going to make her unhappy I would forget about the whole idea. Changes to the law have meant that women in customary marriages now have more protection than before. She also never tried to snatch her husband from the previous co-wives as she said in her religion the Holy Book says A man can marry women of his choice two or three or four, but there must be justice and equality otherwise only one is enough". Mrs. Mustafa was another 1st wife. But that's not the case in Canada, says Imam Hamid Slimi of the Sayeda Khadija . He says he isnt much of a speaker. We may also learn that if we dont want to get hurt again, to put up a wall, or other such adjustments. She told when her husband introduced her to the other co-wives, in the beginning, they both cursed me but later they made a compromise and accepted her. Their mean age was 33.83 ranging from 18-50 years. Every possibility seems available to them. A nurse brought me this far she took me into her arms and her home and decided she would be my mother. Teyana Taylor and her husband can have threesomes if it works for Celeste Ntuli and Ayanda Borotho on their roles as sister-wives in Celeste Ntuli and Ayanda Borotho on their roles as sister-wives in Isibaya, After Criselda Dudumashe recently shared how her husband allegedly beat her up we thought we'd remind women how they can seek help. A Tajik court found him guilty of polygamy and of driving her to suicide, but spared him a jail sentence and ordered him to pay a $1,300 fine. One wife raises her fertility in response to an increase by the other wife because to them children are the best claim to resources controlled by the husband [22,23]. These are jealousy, poor marital satisfaction, unhealthy competition, lack of trust, and many other mental health problems [12].

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